It was strange going to our old church. It stirred up many memories of good times, as well as the difficult ones. I saw faces that seem so familiar to me, yet time has stolen that familiarity between us. I still struggle about publishing my book on my experience there. I am not sure it would be well received.
This year so far has been a year of reflection. We have gone through so many changes.
Our lives seem to have taken that direction of change. I normally love change, however; the changes my family and I are feeling right now, are pretty painful.
We have been hurt by people so deeply. We have hurt others and didn't know it. Dealing with relationships is so tricky sometimes. I have a tendency to be too open, too willing to let others in... only to be used and treated poorly in the end. I have had to make difficult choices in regards to my boundaries. I feel a slight sadness now when I meet or talk to people. It's like the fear of being used and hurt... accused of some vicious lie will somehow surface.
The culture here in Tennessee still throws me for a loop. I have an odd sense of humor. My husband has an even odder one. We laugh at things we find hilarious and it's been hard to find others that match our humor. I know that sounds trivial, but humor is one of the cornerstones of my home. I make an effort to bring laughter and fun in my home for my children. I have been blessed to see their humor come out as they are getting older and I laugh at their wit.
We are still trying to find our way in this state. Being in Utah was easy. You could call a friend from any part of your life and ask to go to coffee. We don't have many friends here. We feel like we are still getting to know the area. The majority of living here we have catered to two different groups of people. Now that some ties are broken and the boundaries I mentioned before are in place, some people we know here just don't seem interested in having a relationship with us. Note I said some.
I've also had the
Anyhoo... these thoughts, though some may feel are sad, to me they are just growing pains. I like to learn from my relationships and try to mature, change and allow God to work on my heart. These things I am feeling might not be the best right now, but I assure you, there are good friends I still have and talk to often. I have those VERY few people that love me and always assume the best of me instead of the worst. I am very grateful for those people in my life.
We also lost a job this year. We thought it was a blessing in disguise. Turns out, as usual.. I am used for something I can give and then tossed away as if I was never valuable to begin with. It has been hard to not take it personal, as the way I was treated was hurtful. I was expected to put on a happy and understanding face when I was not really given any choice on the parting terms. What started out as a casual conversation ended five minutes later, with this job my husband and I tried so hard to work at together... gone. But I was assured it was nothing personal... just business. Right.
I just turned 40 as well. Sigh..... I am not sad, really. Ok, maybe just a tad. It seems as if I am still in my late 20's or 30's. But when you have children, time really does sneak up on you. I know women feel as if they are not relevant anymore since they hit the big 4-0. I have to say I disagree. If anyone finds you irrelevant to society, not only should you stay away from that person, you need to pray the younger generations see wisdom and insight from older folks. I mean, we were just there making a boat load of mistakes and cringing over our poor choices! I can still feel the sting of decisions I made years and years ago that still make me wash over with shame. So, we are here to help! One of my goals (among hundreds) for my boys to learn is basic life skills and logical thought processes to everyday living. Now whether or not they will exhibit those skills are up to them! Many of my younger years I wandered through life... not really thinking. I just floated around and made all types of decisions without even sitting down, planning and thinking how it would effect me. I had no idea who I was, pulled around by every fad and obscure subculture. I can now use those regrets and equip my children. So in a strange way, it's kind of a blessing. I remember those feelings when I was young.
I am sure I have rambled on enough. Just wanted to check in. School is almost out and I have many many projects planned for this summer. Can't wait!
Until next time.