Monday, August 6, 2012

The Darkness Surrounded Me

I found an old friend today. She and I were pretty close in school. I saw pictures of her back when I knew her and current ones as well. The dark, eerie way about her was so familiar. It brought me to a place of distant memories and chaotic times. Back to a young me- looking at it now seems so different and far removed from who I am today.

Like a movie screen rewinding, the memories flood me. How could I have not seen the danger? Was I truly that blind to the occultic surroundings? I had friends that dabbled in the occult, yes..but I was not interested. The only memory I have of truly trying something out was when we tried to hypnotize our friend. Deep in the back of my mind I knew they were fooling with me, but I could feel such oppression and evil during the process. They told me if my friend died while hypnotized, she would die in real life. I was so freaked out after the whole event, I asked for a Bible and cradled it in my arms all night. Restless sleep and a feeling of eyes that were digging into my mind kept me at edge until I finally drifted off to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I was able to put it behind me and have the conviction to never do it again. I claimed I was a Christian, so proud of what I thought I was....but the darkness surrounded me. It wasn't until years later I truly committed my life to Jesus, then the new life came. The new me :)

The many encounters I had in which my life could have been snuffed out in an instant, God's mighty Hand pulled me out of the mire and saved me from destruction. The enemy could have taken my life...more frightening...he could have taken my soul. I see many in my past have succumbed to the temptation of the enemy. The dark, gory, wicked, seductive, blasphemous, God-hating lifestyle is still prevalent as it was it's much more in your face and disturbing.

Looking at me from the outside you saw Mod. Black eyeliner, black clothes, nails...a little attitude. The inside was rebellious, selfish, self-centered, wild, friendly, comical, scared, depressed. I was one of the most hyper girls in school. You would never think I had problems, at least deep ones. I always put on a happy face, never wanted many people to see who I really was at heart. Usually the harder I struggled, the happier I would pretend to be. I would drop my act for a few people here and there- my Grandma would give me a ride home from school sometimes and she was one sharp cookie. When all the friends were gone and it was just us, she would hear my sighs from the back of the car and questioned if I had something heavy on my mind. I loved her. She loved me even though I had no idea who I was and never understood the value of our relationship.

I liked the attention I got from my clothes. I liked being different. I hated being different. My friends accepted me, they were different as well. We felt bonded together. We loved the music and loved eachother's company. The music is where it started. The local radio station, KJQ played the best- the clothing and lifestyle followed. I truly walked into it innocently. I just liked the music! Once I was in the lifestyle, the dark and demonic presence would rear it's ugly head from time to time. There was a dance club we used to go to on the weekends. I loved going and looked forward to the music, the dancing and friends. Every once in a while the songs were so blatantly blasphemous I would cover my ears and run outside. Some of my friends got a kick out if it....I didn't understand how sensitive I was towards spiritual things until I was much older.

There were rumors spread about some of us at school. Some said certain girls were practicing witches. I even heard of one friend trying to get out of her occult practices and was followed home by a her way home she hallucinated the street lights filled up with blood and exploded. I am not sure if this ever happened. I wouldn't be surprised though.

I was so immune and blind to the dark things in a way. I tried to put a positive spin on much of the lifestyle I was living. I didn't really dabble in anything, so I didn't have all the creepy stuff happening to was mostly around me...unbeknownst to me. There were many things I did turn a blind eye to and accepted it even though it pricked my conscience. Music was one of the main exceptions I made. Others were movies and glorified rebellion. I was naive, unaware of the dangers..  if you called me your friend I immediately trusted you. I was willing to pretty much accept whatever. I wasn't a leader, I was a follower. I had an ecclectic taste in music and styles. It wouldn't matter to me if I dated a skater, or a punk. I pulled my identity from all sorts of places ....that's what got me in trouble.

To be continued....

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